You're not as brave as you were at the start.

[oddthatway]

As soon as Tobias and I arrive back at the compound, goosebumps rise across my skin. I know something is wrong. There’s a gnawing in my gut, and I try to keep my gaze focused on the landscape around us. But then Cara comes into view, tears streaming down her face, and I clench my hands into fists by my sides, as though they might protect me from whatever news she has.

It’s not Cara’s fault that she bears the burden of being the messenger; yet it’s nearly impossible not to want to shake her when she lets out the news that Tris Prior is dead.

“No,” I say, giving into my own denial for the moment. “No way. There must be some mistake.”

But Cara’s expression, her eyes wavering from the weight of her tears, is as honest as I’ve seen any person look. And then my gaze falls on Tobias, and I can tell in the way he stiffens suddenly that his thoughts align with my own: you could take the girl out of Abnegation, but you couldn’t take the Abnegation out of the girl. Tris, as I’ve always known her to be, spared her brother the fate he deserved out of her love for him.

I yell, first. Scream out into the void as though the power of my voice could change the fact of Tris’ death. I’m not entirely aware of the words that leave my mouth; I’m only sure that they’re ugly and painful, stained with grief. Beside me, I barely register Tobias anymore, as tears start to blur the world around me.

My stomach hurts, is the thought that flashes in my mind, bright, and bold, and stupid. Tris is dead, and all I can think about is how my stomach hurts. What the hell is wrong with me?

It’s a question I’ve asked myself many times before; choosing Dauntless over my native Candor, jumping off the train for the first time with a girl I’d only just met, a seemingly shy girl from Abnegation, no less.

She’s dead. She’s dead. Not Caleb. Tris. She’s dead. Oh, God.

My best friend. My anchor in this hell of a world. The one who killed the man I’d loved; the same one I forgave. She’s dead, and her traitor of a brother lives, and my stomach hurts, because I can’t choose between horror and grief.

I fall to my knees, because I can’t stand up. Not with the numbing reality creeping into my skin, like one of Jeanine’s serums.

I don’t notice the world when it shifts; I can’t even bring myself to look at Tobias or Cara, who both mirror my own pain in their grief. But when I manage to regain control over my breathing, I find myself looking at pavement, like that of the streets of Chicago.

A sudden, onset of noise pulls me from my grief, just as I find myself nearly blinded by a surge of light.

There is a car, similar in shape and color to those held by the Erudite, heading straight for me.

My Dauntless instincts take over then; I crouch, leaning forward as I wait for just the right moment. I jump towards the car just as the driver, a man, young, by the brief look I get of him, stomps on the breaks. My hands push onto the hood of the vehicle, giving me enough leverage to flip onto the very top, clutching onto the metal roof with my bare hands.

The car screeches beneath me, like someone caught in the throes of fear serum, as it comes to a stop. I manage to catch my breath, just as the door to my right opens, and the man comes out, swearing and making rude gestures in my direction.

“Sorry,” I say, leaping down from the car as though it were nothing. I glance around me; wherever I am, it isn’t the compound, nor Chicago. But the closeness of the buildings reminds me of the city I thought of as home but which, in truth, was only an experiment.

Beside me, the guy is going purple with anger. He looks like an overcooked vegetable, that’s what Tris would say, if she were here with me. If she were still alive.

“Look,” I say at last, trying to distract myself of the awful truth I’ve left behind. “Can you tell me where I am? This doesn’t look like Chicago.”

I get a raised middle finger for my trouble, along with another string of curses.I have only one thought:

I wish Tris were here with me.

Comments

[priordivergence]

"They stop and the doors open," I tease, pushing the drink into her hand before I throw an arm around her shoulders. Whatever it was that left Christina so devastated is going to be okay, I have to believe. She has me. She'll always have me.

"My apartment is a two-bedroom." I look at her, eyebrows raised. "Four and I only use one of them. I mean, if you want a place to stay for a few days."

[oddthatway]

"The boring way," I sigh, though I grin at her obvious teasing. It is a relief to see Tris like this; to see her healthy, alive, and whole, teasing me as though we were still lounging around in our dorm back in Dauntless. I lean into her arm over me, throwing my own around her in return. At least, for now, I can pretend there is nothing keeping me from savoring every moment with her.

Christina's own eyebrow arches in return at the question. "Are you and Four okay with that? I'm not going to be uh...interrupting anything?" She waggles her eyebrows. "But I suppose the real question is, can this city handle so many Dauntless in one apartment?"

[priordivergence]

When we first met, I would have been too shy even to admit he and I kissed, much less shared a bed and other intimate matters. Now, I just smile at her. "The bedroom doors lock and the walls are very thick." That's a lie but she's more likely to have to endure Aramis' and Porthos' noise than mine with Tobias.

"If they can't handle us, they're just not brave enough." It's reason enough, for me, and we can go to the train station and set that up.

[oddthatway]

My eyebrows arch almost off my face, and I can't help the wide grin that stretches to the point where it hurts. When I had first met Tris, she would never have made such a bold statement on the thickness of walls. Something like best friend pride swells in my chest. "Well, for my sleeping patterns, I hope so," I tell her, though I never stop smiling. It is so good to see her so happy.

"Well I guess we're just going to have to test the city's courage then, yeah?" I say with a smirk, following her wherever she leads us.

[priordivergence]

"I'll find you some good headphones." I almost can't believe my own audacity, even though I'm hardly saying anything at all. Christina, however, knows exactly how daring it is for me.

The train station isn't very far away, thankfully, and I hurry with Christina up the stairs to the information booth.

[oddthatway]

"It's the least you can do, really," I say, my grin wide and my eyes sparkling at how utterly fearless Tris appears when speaking of her own relationship now. It makes me happier than I can say to see her so confident; she's come so far from the intimidated Abnegation girl I met on the train those years ago.

I follow Tris to what must be the information booth. "Okay, so they'll have everything I need?"

[priordivergence]

"Yeah," I say, finding a thick folder marked with Christina's name and holding it out to her. "It's...a little unnerving, honestly, but at least if I'm going to be stolen, my kidnapper is helpful."

Smiling doesn't make it remotely humorous.

[oddthatway]

Humorous, no. But then, given the life they've both known, dark humor had always sufficed as a means to keep from thinking too much on their situation.

"Yeah, I'll say," I smile, a brittle smile that is only too aware of the irony of this situation. From one omnipresent force watching my every move to another. In the same way the faction system had only been one crack in a fractured city. I take the envelope from Tris, thumbing through the information in it.

"Thoughtful of them, to actually provide us with funds," I mention, staring at the variety of items in the packet.

"I even get my own phone?" I look back up at her with an arch of the brow, holding up the square device in my right hand.

[priordivergence]

"Yup. And the apartments have furniture in them too." After a year, I've been able to distance my mind from it. When I have to explain to someone else, the unnerving quality rises up again.

"You'll get rent money again every month, but I got a job anyway." I couldn't comfortably just...be still.

[oddthatway]

"They really do think of everything, don't they?" I say, still thumbing through the papers and information in the packet. It's incredibly unnerving that someone could think to throw this all together in anticipation for my arrival. I think, if I actually think on it for much longer, I might have some kind of breakdown. So I make the choice not to dwell any longer on the uncomfortable nature of this city.

"They give you money every month?" I raise my eyebrows again. "Yeah, I'll have to find a job, too. I know the feeling," I say, grinning conspiratorially at Tris.

[priordivergence]

I can't think of a sarcastic comment that makes the envelope's contents any less creepy, so I bite my tongue as Christina rifles through its contents.

When she asks about the money, I nod. In that way, it's not so different from the points we were given in Dauntless to spend on clothes and tattoos.

"Four and I work at a gym. I teach self-defense."

[oddthatway]

"Dauntless self-defense lessons?" I let out a low whistle. "I hope your students can handle that."

The idea of a gym reassures me, however. I'm glad to know there's a designated place I can go to let out my frustrations and continue improving my fighting techniques. After the day I've had, I would dearly love to throw some knives.

"And what does Four teach, then?" I ask.

[priordivergence]

"I teach the beginners. I have to be nice to them!" I flash her a grin before steering her to the train platform; there should be one soon that takes us to the Bramford.

"If you don't want to stay with us, after a couple days, your apartment will still be there."

I don't know that she will. After Dauntless Initiation and the shared living under Evelyn's regime, I'd had trouble sleeping alone, rattling through my apartment like a loose pea in an oversized pod. Having Four and the rabbit make things feel safer, better.

[oddthatway]

"Well, I suppose you can pull that off, being Abnegation and all," I say with a laugh. "I would probably make someone cry if I tried anything like that." I would feel terrible for it, of course. But at the same time, that's just how I handle myself. "This is weird," I comment as I follow her to the train platform, where people stand around waiting patiently for trains to pull in so they can walk, not leap, onto them. The civility of it all is unnerving as Jeanine's false smile.

"Don't think you can get rid of me that easily," I tell her, rolling my eyes playfully.

Honestly, when I consider the prospect of sleeping by myself in a space larger than I've known, it unnerves me in a way I don't like to dwell on. Like moths. So, even if I do have to put up with amorous noises from Tris and Four, I can't see myself living by myself.

[priordivergence]

"It was what I wanted to do, after Initiation. Because...because Will told us all those things about the Dauntless manifesto, what it was supposed to be. I wanted to choose that job, to make Initiation less hateful."

It had been a fool's dream, perhaps, especially after the way it had fallen apart. After I'd had to shoot Will.

"The train's here."

[oddthatway]

She mentions Will, and while hearing his name still hurts, I've long since made my peace with the reality of his death and that Tris was the one to shoot him. All I can do now is live with the burst of pain that always comes with hearing his name. "You would have been the best Dauntless instructor," I tell her, managing a small smile. "And I'm sure your students here must realize how lucky they are."

I shake my head as the train rolls to a stop.

"Seriously. How do people live without nearly falling to their deaths trying to catch the train?"

[priordivergence]

I know the look on her face and I can't help wishing I hadn't said anything. Christina has forgiven me--she's told me as much--but I don't know that I'll ever forgive myself.

"I try to be a good teacher," I say, stepping onto the train and waiting for Christina to join me. "To be what Dauntless should have been."

[oddthatway]

I recognize the look in Tris' face; I know what she's thinking. Without a word, as I step onto the train next to her, I reach out and wrap an arm around her shoulder, pulling her in for a hug. Will was her friend, too, and I know Tris well enough to know much his death still weighs on her.

"You're the best instructor this city's ever seen," I assure her. "I'm sure the old ways of Dauntless would be proud."

[priordivergence]

I lean into Christina's hug, glad for her understanding. Sometimes Candor doesn't mean being loud and heard above everyone else, I think. Sometimes, it's Christina knowing what I'm thinking and knowing what to do or say in return.

"You should come with me sometime. I'll show you the gym."

[oddthatway]

Candor, to me, means so much more than honesty; it means knowing how to best utilize that honesty, especially when it comes to helping or supporting other people. And I like to think that Tris and I have known each other long enough that I can read how she feels by now.

"I'd love to," I tell her. "I'm itching to kick something, anyway."

[priordivergence]

"Good thing there are plenty of punching bags then. Just don't be surprised when my boss kicks your ass the first time." I think fondly of both Shevaun and Sassy, who work so completely in sync and who have been fighting probably longer than I've been alive.

"She's really strong."

[oddthatway]

"Is that a challenge?' I say, raising my eyebrows at Tris and smirking. The thought of it thrills me; at the very least, I can take out the pain of what I've left behind through fighting. "I'll have to meet this boss of yours."

"Molly strong?" I ask. "Or Peter strong? Just so I have some idea."

[priordivergence]

"Tobias strong," I say. "But skinny, like us." She and Sassy know ow to take advantage of their frames rather than relying on physical strength.

"It'd be a good test."

[oddthatway]

"Well, shit, " I let out a whistle. Tobias strong makes me pause. I know I'm good; better, even, then when Tris last saw me. But I'm not Four. I know how to fight, but I'm not at his level, and I damn well know it. "Yeah, you know, it would."

I grin at her.

"I could probably do with getting my ass kicked, anyway."

[priordivergence]

"Well you can start with me and work your way up the line, if you a thorough ass kicking." Christina isn't weak by any means, but now I have a year's worth of experience on her. Seeing how differently we fight now will be quite the experience.

And I look forward.

[oddthatway]

"Start with you huh?" I say, giving her a teasing once-over. Truthfully, I know she'll kick my ass, and not just because she has a year on me in specialized training. It's hard not to see Tris' corpse when I look at her; her eyes closed and her body motionless, as still in death as she is full of movement in life.

I look forward to it too, but I also dread it.

[priordivergence]

Whatever Christina has had to face without me, I'll make up for it. We're here and alive and she doesn't have to face this city alone. She'll have Tobias and she'll have me. We can make it.

"You know, just to warm you up before we get to the real fighters."

[oddthatway]

Looking at Tris, as much as I can't help but think of her in the Chicago I've left behind, it's hard not to feel assured with her next to me. She's alive, and she's here. I can deal with whatever crap this city throws at me, as long as I know Tris is here with me too.

"Tris, you are a real fighter," I point out. "I'm pretty sure you'll kick my ass, actually. And don't ask me to repeat that because that's the only time I'm going to say it."

But I'm smiling, and I can feel it stretch my whole face.