oddthatway | You're not as brave as you were at the start.

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You're not as brave as you were at the start.

As soon as Tobias and I arrive back at the compound, goosebumps rise across my skin. I know something is wrong. There’s a gnawing in my gut, and I try to keep my gaze focused on the landscape around us. But then Cara comes into view, tears streaming down her face, and I clench my hands into fists by my sides, as though they might protect me from whatever news she has.

It’s not Cara’s fault that she bears the burden of being the messenger; yet it’s nearly impossible not to want to shake her when she lets out the news that Tris Prior is dead.

“No,” I say, giving into my own denial for the moment. “No way. There must be some mistake.”

But Cara’s expression, her eyes wavering from the weight of her tears, is as honest as I’ve seen any person look. And then my gaze falls on Tobias, and I can tell in the way he stiffens suddenly that his thoughts align with my own: you could take the girl out of Abnegation, but you couldn’t take the Abnegation out of the girl. Tris, as I’ve always known her to be, spared her brother the fate he deserved out of her love for him.

I yell, first. Scream out into the void as though the power of my voice could change the fact of Tris’ death. I’m not entirely aware of the words that leave my mouth; I’m only sure that they’re ugly and painful, stained with grief. Beside me, I barely register Tobias anymore, as tears start to blur the world around me.

My stomach hurts, is the thought that flashes in my mind, bright, and bold, and stupid. Tris is dead, and all I can think about is how my stomach hurts. What the hell is wrong with me?

It’s a question I’ve asked myself many times before; choosing Dauntless over my native Candor, jumping off the train for the first time with a girl I’d only just met, a seemingly shy girl from Abnegation, no less.

She’s dead. She’s dead. Not Caleb. Tris. She’s dead. Oh, God.

My best friend. My anchor in this hell of a world. The one who killed the man I’d loved; the same one I forgave. She’s dead, and her traitor of a brother lives, and my stomach hurts, because I can’t choose between horror and grief.

I fall to my knees, because I can’t stand up. Not with the numbing reality creeping into my skin, like one of Jeanine’s serums.

I don’t notice the world when it shifts; I can’t even bring myself to look at Tobias or Cara, who both mirror my own pain in their grief. But when I manage to regain control over my breathing, I find myself looking at pavement, like that of the streets of Chicago.

A sudden, onset of noise pulls me from my grief, just as I find myself nearly blinded by a surge of light.

There is a car, similar in shape and color to those held by the Erudite, heading straight for me.

My Dauntless instincts take over then; I crouch, leaning forward as I wait for just the right moment. I jump towards the car just as the driver, a man, young, by the brief look I get of him, stomps on the breaks. My hands push onto the hood of the vehicle, giving me enough leverage to flip onto the very top, clutching onto the metal roof with my bare hands.

The car screeches beneath me, like someone caught in the throes of fear serum, as it comes to a stop. I manage to catch my breath, just as the door to my right opens, and the man comes out, swearing and making rude gestures in my direction.

“Sorry,” I say, leaping down from the car as though it were nothing. I glance around me; wherever I am, it isn’t the compound, nor Chicago. But the closeness of the buildings reminds me of the city I thought of as home but which, in truth, was only an experiment.

Beside me, the guy is going purple with anger. He looks like an overcooked vegetable, that’s what Tris would say, if she were here with me. If she were still alive.

“Look,” I say at last, trying to distract myself of the awful truth I’ve left behind. “Can you tell me where I am? This doesn’t look like Chicago.”

I get a raised middle finger for my trouble, along with another string of curses.I have only one thought:

I wish Tris were here with me.

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It's been more than a year since I saw her and I nearly forget myself, right in the middle of a crosswalk. The car that honked at Christina swerves around me, honking angrily again. I don't care. I run hard to the sidewalk and hurry to Christina, my smile growing wider and wider.

"Christina!" I shout, rushing up to her. Only as I get closer do I realize she looks so troubled.

"Oh God, Christina did you just get here?"

I hear the car honk again before I see her.

Turning to guess at what else I could have done to piss the driver off, the sight of one Tris Prior running at me at full force hits me like a punch to the gut.

This can't be real, I think. I must be affected by a serum; maybe someone let loose a different vial than the memory antidote we'd been handing out to the people of our city earlier.

I stand completely still, barely able to process what I'm seeing. It's only when she throws herself on me that I realize that I am not, in fact, looking at a ghost.

"Tris?" I whisper, my voice hoarse. And then instinct takes over and I'm hugging her back tightly, as though she might vanish if I let her go. I cling to her, even through my tears. "Tris!"

It takes me a moment to process her question; I am too caught up in her presence, real and alive.

'Where is here, exactly?"

"I'm real," I promise her. "I'm completely real." I'm a year older than she remembers, my ears pierced and my arm tattooed. I'm different from the way she might remember me but I am real.

I don't know what's happened to scare her so badly, but I hug Christina just as tightly. "Whatever happened...were safe. This city is strange, but it's safe. Four and I are here."

I pull back, just to be able to look at her. She has her ears pierced, and bears more tattoos than I last remember seeing on her. Sniffing a bit, I manage a smile. "Well, look at you, all grown up," I tease in an attempt to avoid my last memory of my best friend. "Did you finally get your belly button pierced too, like I told you?"

"Oh great. You and Four, together. In one city," I shake my head, still grinning. "I'm going to have to stock up on vomit bags, aren't I?"

Laughing, trying to make Christina smile, I tug up the hem of my shirt and reveal the curved barbell that rests in my skin. "Blame my friend Allison but. Okay. Let's start at the beginning. I've been living in this city for a year."

Taking Christina's hand, I walk her to a side street and toward a cafe. It's no longer cold, but she looks as though she could use a hot cup of coffee.

"The last thing Four remembers is when we took refuge with Amity. The last thing I remembered was the night we left Chicago. I was on the ground and then I stood up and here I was. This place takes people, I guess."

"Oh my God, you did!" I squeal, unable to help myself as I admire the piercing. I start laughing, and unshed tears fall away from my face in the process. Some of the tightness in my chest loosens a bit, so that I can breathe properly again. "You actually did it! I'm so proud!"

"I don't know this Allison, but I will have to thank her," I grin.

And then Tris starts to explain, and my excitement dims in the wake of my confusion. I follow her, my hand in hers, as she leads us to a cafe.

"A year?" I ask. "But I just saw you, you were..." Dead, I think to myself. I can't bring myself to lie; but I also can't bring myself to tell the truth, either. "Anyway, I just saw you! How is this possible?"

"That's the last thing you remember?" I gape. "And the last that Four remembers? But I just saw you both!"

What has Christina seen without me there to fight by her side? It's not like her to withhold the whole story. Sadly, that's more like me, biting back on horrible secrets in the attempt to spare others. It leaves me worried, but uncertain about pressing.

"Get whatever you want. I just got paid," I promise. While I wait, I sand in front of her. "The last time you saw me I was barely seventeen, right?" I've changed in a year, not just my tattoos and piercings. I'm between haircuts, I've gained some more lean muscle. I'm not the girl who stood over Tori's body.

"Time is...time is funny here. I was here for ten months before Four came,but he left from months before I did. We don't know how it works but...it's not a bad city. They provide us with a place to live, money. I have Tobias, friends, a job...a pet."

I don't know how to tell her her own fate. I don't know that I even have the right to, after hearing about how much happiness she's found for herself in this city. And I hate keeping things from her. I'm Candor, originally. I'm not doing anyone any favors with keeping the truth hidden. Somewhere, back in Chicago, my mother would be ashamed of me.

I'm ashamed of me. But I'm also terrified to tell the truth, and I don't know how to reconcile my fear and my shame.

"Well, I guess you being lovestruck does come with its perks," I tease, clinging to familiar banter like a lifeline.

"Yes," I say, not elaborating beyond that. I hadn't even seen her body, before I wound up here; I'd only heard the news. "And damn, you really are filling out!" I take in the sight of her longer hair; her more solid frame. She stands strong before me. A different girl, and yet still entirely Tris Prior.

"Four came here from an even earlier time?" I ask, wincing at the thought. So this city has both a Tris and a Four, neither of whom are aware of the future. Great.

"Yeah, but at what cost?" I ask, before I can help myself. The recent revelations about the Bureau of Genetic Welfare and their involvement with the Faction system lingers in my mind.

"A pet?" I ask, quirking an eyebrow. "What kind of pet, exactly?"

"At the cost of not being able to leave." But that was how it had been in Chicago, before we escaped. Only here, I feel safe. No one hunts me because of the way I think or don't think. I have found friends. It's a price that becomes less dear the longer I stay here.

"I'm eighteen and a half now. I think. I lost some time when I arrived, but...here I am." Stronger, more tattooed, grown up a little. "We don't have to be fugitives here. Not because of my Divergence or our Factions. There are no Factions here, but it's not like Evelyn's city."

It's factionless and it functions.

"And before you laugh. She's a rabbit."

"Well, that's a charming price tag," I can't help but comment, shaking my head. Sure, it's nice that the city provides for the citizens it apparently kidnaps, but recent experience has taught me well enough that, no matter how beautiful you render its exterior, a prison remains a prison.

"You're eighteen?" My eyes widen. Back home, Tris doesn't live that long. And yet, here I find my best friend surpassing her own expiration date.

"Well," I say, crossing my arms over my chest and glancing at her skeptically. "If you say so."

"A rabbit?" I snort. "Have you gotten into the peace serum again?"

I nod. Christina regards me as if I've done something extraordinary just by staying alive and I wonder, again, what she's had to witness without me. "Eighteen and..." I pause, realizing that I'm not eighteen and a half. "I'll be nineteen, actually, in a week."

It's strange to think about, even to myself. Then Christina smiles and I breathe a little easier. "Yes, a rabbit. You'll understand when you meet her."

I pay for and collect our coffees. "But we should go to the train station first."

It's hard not to look at Tris like she's a walking miracle; not after the mess I've left behind in Chicago. I do need to tell her. Eventually. In the middle of a cafe is not the right time or place for the conversation we need to have.

"No," I balk at her. Nineteen? How could so much time have passed between us? I can certainly see the maturity in her gaze; the way she holds herself. It continues to blow my mind. "Really? Well, obviously, we have to celebrate." I give her my most dangerous smile, letting her know she has no choice in the matter.

"I don't know," I shake my head, but I'm still smiling. "This rabbit's going to have to work if it wants my affection."

"The train station?" I always think of Tris when I think of trains; of our first encounter on the train to Dauntless. "Maybe this city isn't as dull as I imagined."

"Don't get too excited. The trains stop and the doors open without us hanging off of them. I was disappointed too." When I'd arrived on the train, it had been the stop that had confused me most, even frightened me a little.

"Oh, don't worry. She won over Tobias pretty fast. Four, I mean." Four seems like a distant person, not Tobias anymore, but it's the name he's chosen to keep in this city. I try to oblige. "You'll be hand feeding her blades of hay soon enough."

In my mind, it's already settled that Christina is moving in with us. It's a two bedroom apartment, though I've barely used the second room as anything more than an occasional office. "You'll get a phone, some money, an ID card, and a housing assignment."

"Well, that's a damn shame," I say, shaking my head. The least this weird city could do to make me feel like home would be to have speeding trains one could still actually jump out of. "How do people ride trains without jumping on or off them? There's no point." Perhaps, before I went through Dauntless initiation, I wouldn't mind so-called "normal" trains.

"Four? Well, I have to give points where they're due," I raise an eyebrow, the corners of my mouth twitching. It's no mean feat to win over Four, as Tris well knows. "But I'm still me. I don't cave so easily." Which, considering my fear of moths, isn't the whole truth.

"This place thinks of everything," I say. I appreciate the thought of having money, at least. I'm less certain about the id card. "So how are the housing assignments then? Can't be worse than Dauntless during initiation."

"They stop and the doors open," I tease, pushing the drink into her hand before I throw an arm around her shoulders. Whatever it was that left Christina so devastated is going to be okay, I have to believe. She has me. She'll always have me.

"My apartment is a two-bedroom." I look at her, eyebrows raised. "Four and I only use one of them. I mean, if you want a place to stay for a few days."

"The boring way," I sigh, though I grin at her obvious teasing. It is a relief to see Tris like this; to see her healthy, alive, and whole, teasing me as though we were still lounging around in our dorm back in Dauntless. I lean into her arm over me, throwing my own around her in return. At least, for now, I can pretend there is nothing keeping me from savoring every moment with her.

Christina's own eyebrow arches in return at the question. "Are you and Four okay with that? I'm not going to be uh...interrupting anything?" She waggles her eyebrows. "But I suppose the real question is, can this city handle so many Dauntless in one apartment?"

When we first met, I would have been too shy even to admit he and I kissed, much less shared a bed and other intimate matters. Now, I just smile at her. "The bedroom doors lock and the walls are very thick." That's a lie but she's more likely to have to endure Aramis' and Porthos' noise than mine with Tobias.

"If they can't handle us, they're just not brave enough." It's reason enough, for me, and we can go to the train station and set that up.

My eyebrows arch almost off my face, and I can't help the wide grin that stretches to the point where it hurts. When I had first met Tris, she would never have made such a bold statement on the thickness of walls. Something like best friend pride swells in my chest. "Well, for my sleeping patterns, I hope so," I tell her, though I never stop smiling. It is so good to see her so happy.

"Well I guess we're just going to have to test the city's courage then, yeah?" I say with a smirk, following her wherever she leads us.

"I'll find you some good headphones." I almost can't believe my own audacity, even though I'm hardly saying anything at all. Christina, however, knows exactly how daring it is for me.

The train station isn't very far away, thankfully, and I hurry with Christina up the stairs to the information booth.

"It's the least you can do, really," I say, my grin wide and my eyes sparkling at how utterly fearless Tris appears when speaking of her own relationship now. It makes me happier than I can say to see her so confident; she's come so far from the intimidated Abnegation girl I met on the train those years ago.

I follow Tris to what must be the information booth. "Okay, so they'll have everything I need?"

"Yeah," I say, finding a thick folder marked with Christina's name and holding it out to her. "It's...a little unnerving, honestly, but at least if I'm going to be stolen, my kidnapper is helpful."

Smiling doesn't make it remotely humorous.

Humorous, no. But then, given the life they've both known, dark humor had always sufficed as a means to keep from thinking too much on their situation.

"Yeah, I'll say," I smile, a brittle smile that is only too aware of the irony of this situation. From one omnipresent force watching my every move to another. In the same way the faction system had only been one crack in a fractured city. I take the envelope from Tris, thumbing through the information in it.

"Thoughtful of them, to actually provide us with funds," I mention, staring at the variety of items in the packet.

"I even get my own phone?" I look back up at her with an arch of the brow, holding up the square device in my right hand.

"Yup. And the apartments have furniture in them too." After a year, I've been able to distance my mind from it. When I have to explain to someone else, the unnerving quality rises up again.

"You'll get rent money again every month, but I got a job anyway." I couldn't comfortably just...be still.

"They really do think of everything, don't they?" I say, still thumbing through the papers and information in the packet. It's incredibly unnerving that someone could think to throw this all together in anticipation for my arrival. I think, if I actually think on it for much longer, I might have some kind of breakdown. So I make the choice not to dwell any longer on the uncomfortable nature of this city.

"They give you money every month?" I raise my eyebrows again. "Yeah, I'll have to find a job, too. I know the feeling," I say, grinning conspiratorially at Tris.

I can't think of a sarcastic comment that makes the envelope's contents any less creepy, so I bite my tongue as Christina rifles through its contents.

When she asks about the money, I nod. In that way, it's not so different from the points we were given in Dauntless to spend on clothes and tattoos.

"Four and I work at a gym. I teach self-defense."

"Dauntless self-defense lessons?" I let out a low whistle. "I hope your students can handle that."

The idea of a gym reassures me, however. I'm glad to know there's a designated place I can go to let out my frustrations and continue improving my fighting techniques. After the day I've had, I would dearly love to throw some knives.

"And what does Four teach, then?" I ask.

"I teach the beginners. I have to be nice to them!" I flash her a grin before steering her to the train platform; there should be one soon that takes us to the Bramford.

"If you don't want to stay with us, after a couple days, your apartment will still be there."

I don't know that she will. After Dauntless Initiation and the shared living under Evelyn's regime, I'd had trouble sleeping alone, rattling through my apartment like a loose pea in an oversized pod. Having Four and the rabbit make things feel safer, better.

Edited 2015-06-08 03:17 (UTC)

"Well, I suppose you can pull that off, being Abnegation and all," I say with a laugh. "I would probably make someone cry if I tried anything like that." I would feel terrible for it, of course. But at the same time, that's just how I handle myself. "This is weird," I comment as I follow her to the train platform, where people stand around waiting patiently for trains to pull in so they can walk, not leap, onto them. The civility of it all is unnerving as Jeanine's false smile.

"Don't think you can get rid of me that easily," I tell her, rolling my eyes playfully.

Honestly, when I consider the prospect of sleeping by myself in a space larger than I've known, it unnerves me in a way I don't like to dwell on. Like moths. So, even if I do have to put up with amorous noises from Tris and Four, I can't see myself living by myself.

"It was what I wanted to do, after Initiation. Because...because Will told us all those things about the Dauntless manifesto, what it was supposed to be. I wanted to choose that job, to make Initiation less hateful."

It had been a fool's dream, perhaps, especially after the way it had fallen apart. After I'd had to shoot Will.

"The train's here."

She mentions Will, and while hearing his name still hurts, I've long since made my peace with the reality of his death and that Tris was the one to shoot him. All I can do now is live with the burst of pain that always comes with hearing his name. "You would have been the best Dauntless instructor," I tell her, managing a small smile. "And I'm sure your students here must realize how lucky they are."

I shake my head as the train rolls to a stop.

"Seriously. How do people live without nearly falling to their deaths trying to catch the train?"

I know the look on her face and I can't help wishing I hadn't said anything. Christina has forgiven me--she's told me as much--but I don't know that I'll ever forgive myself.

"I try to be a good teacher," I say, stepping onto the train and waiting for Christina to join me. "To be what Dauntless should have been."

I recognize the look in Tris' face; I know what she's thinking. Without a word, as I step onto the train next to her, I reach out and wrap an arm around her shoulder, pulling her in for a hug. Will was her friend, too, and I know Tris well enough to know much his death still weighs on her.

"You're the best instructor this city's ever seen," I assure her. "I'm sure the old ways of Dauntless would be proud."

I lean into Christina's hug, glad for her understanding. Sometimes Candor doesn't mean being loud and heard above everyone else, I think. Sometimes, it's Christina knowing what I'm thinking and knowing what to do or say in return.

"You should come with me sometime. I'll show you the gym."

Candor, to me, means so much more than honesty; it means knowing how to best utilize that honesty, especially when it comes to helping or supporting other people. And I like to think that Tris and I have known each other long enough that I can read how she feels by now.

"I'd love to," I tell her. "I'm itching to kick something, anyway."

"Good thing there are plenty of punching bags then. Just don't be surprised when my boss kicks your ass the first time." I think fondly of both Shevaun and Sassy, who work so completely in sync and who have been fighting probably longer than I've been alive.

"She's really strong."

"Is that a challenge?' I say, raising my eyebrows at Tris and smirking. The thought of it thrills me; at the very least, I can take out the pain of what I've left behind through fighting. "I'll have to meet this boss of yours."

"Molly strong?" I ask. "Or Peter strong? Just so I have some idea."

"Tobias strong," I say. "But skinny, like us." She and Sassy know ow to take advantage of their frames rather than relying on physical strength.

"It'd be a good test."

"Well, shit, " I let out a whistle. Tobias strong makes me pause. I know I'm good; better, even, then when Tris last saw me. But I'm not Four. I know how to fight, but I'm not at his level, and I damn well know it. "Yeah, you know, it would."

I grin at her.

"I could probably do with getting my ass kicked, anyway."

"Well you can start with me and work your way up the line, if you a thorough ass kicking." Christina isn't weak by any means, but now I have a year's worth of experience on her. Seeing how differently we fight now will be quite the experience.

And I look forward.

"Start with you huh?" I say, giving her a teasing once-over. Truthfully, I know she'll kick my ass, and not just because she has a year on me in specialized training. It's hard not to see Tris' corpse when I look at her; her eyes closed and her body motionless, as still in death as she is full of movement in life.

I look forward to it too, but I also dread it.

Whatever Christina has had to face without me, I'll make up for it. We're here and alive and she doesn't have to face this city alone. She'll have Tobias and she'll have me. We can make it.

"You know, just to warm you up before we get to the real fighters."

Looking at Tris, as much as I can't help but think of her in the Chicago I've left behind, it's hard not to feel assured with her next to me. She's alive, and she's here. I can deal with whatever crap this city throws at me, as long as I know Tris is here with me too.

"Tris, you are a real fighter," I point out. "I'm pretty sure you'll kick my ass, actually. And don't ask me to repeat that because that's the only time I'm going to say it."

But I'm smiling, and I can feel it stretch my whole face.

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You're not as brave as you were at the start.

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